I am choosing. Meet me here. š
this is the miracle.
Over the weekend I spent soooo many hours cleaning carpets & couchesā I scored a pull-out couch for my guest room on Facebook Marketplace, which will soon double as an art studio. (The perks of Marketplace finds is being able to furnish your entire home on an extremely low budget. The downside? The time it takes to properly extract other peopleās filth out of your new treasureā¦ Thereās a metaphor in here, Iām sure of it).
To put it simply, I got into a cleaning flow state and couldnāt stop for two entire days. I didnāt want to stop. It was intoxicating. It was meditative. No new input, no podcasts or audiobooks; just jamminā to the sweetest tunes staying in the energy of all I desire & thanking God for the peace I am capable of receiving. Itās certainly been a continued practice to stay out of mind and stay here now.
The last 4 months have required so much trust.
I find in times of great transition and unknown I need simple wins. Sometimes itās texts from a bestie that says āYou are so hot.ā Sometimes itās experiencing the satisfaction of seeing the boring transformation of a $60 couch go from dingy to bright & clear in a day.
I am choosing.
I am beginning to move from deep, heart-felt desire in a way I didnāt know was possible. I am no longer sourcing from others to get young unmet needs met.
Itās a paradigm shift to be operating from so much choice, freedom and sense of innate belonging. The choices I am making now I simply couldnāt make before, and that makes so much sense.
Before we have safety in our own bodies, if we never experienced a sense of deep belonging or nurturance, if we were never allowed to be free in our true selves, if we never received a healthy attachment system, we will spend our lives settling with whatās familiar, what seems to soothe the young one within, or if we are lucky, satisfied with whatās just a little bit better than what we received. This isnāt wrong, itās necessary until itās finally possible to choose whatās optimal. Until then, we will spend our adult lives in a very young operating system, looking for all we did not receive in the past. We will be unconsciously sourcing from others instead of choosing love & liberation, from love & liberation.
Which is to say, choosing whatās optimal is a challenge without a whole, individuated Self.
I say āweā because this isnāt unique to me. But what I mean to say here is that this is what Iāve done. Iāve sourced my safety, love and belonging from others because I didnāt have access inside of myself. Iāve used and Iāve been used trying to reconcile the past. It wasnāt on purpose and it doesnāt mean the love and beauty that was experienced wasnāt real. It was real. And also, it also wasnāt whole, because I wasnāt whole. I didnāt yet have access to my inner Adult, a clear sense of Self, the chooser. And now I do.
So to the best of my ability, I will not be doing this anymore.
I am choosing.
Ah, thereās that metaphor! I knew it would come. This is the beauty of taking the time to extract the dingy shame, distortions and fears about being innately wrong & unlovable. When given the right care & conditions, an illuminated sense of Self will appear. Perhaps even more treasured because of the trash-heap she was found in; like finding a precious jewel where you least expected. I will gladly choose to take this time if it means I can see her clearly.
The textures & felt sense of what I am calling in is crystal clear, but even still I can only see one inch in front of my face. The path ahead is thick with fog & an inner knowing that can only be described as grasping to the golden cord I was graced. This is what thresholds feel likeā¦ like leaping off the cliff, trusting the soft bed of four leaf clovers below will come through.
My dream last night affirmed it in the biggest letters across a screen for all to see:
MADISONāS TRUE ESSENCE? SHEāS A FOOL.
Iām walking in the dark like a fool once again. This time Iām anchored in my heart and letting her guide me into the unknown.
This is the looooongest way to say: in the wake of so much transition, I was soothed by a weekend of gentle tending to treasures, getting lost in kairos time. These simple puttering weekends are medicine for integrating all that has come into clarity over the past few months.
I am choosing.
I am being chosen.
While in my cleaning flow I got to thinking about the era of marketing where I felt I had to be "impressive" somehow, doing interesting things, having constant hot takes, exploiting sacred parts of my life & process to benefit others. (None of this felt like a choice).
When I slowed down to feel & allowed the shame of the past to be metabolized fully, I realized how shit it felt to be perceived as a product not a person. How this was a perpetuation of my own survival strategies.
(When my metaphorical couch was clean like new, it didnāt fit in the life or business Iād created for it. When we really understand our worth & know our true Self, we might find ourselves desiring new circumstances; we might finally choose whatās optimal, given the Truth we can now see).
Luckily the somatic work I facilitate I also receive (and have received 2x a month for years). And it's transformative. It has changed me.
I am choosing.
People often ask what they will receive from doing somatic workā and it always depends. But I can almost guarantee that your tolerance for ease, joy and peace will grow exponentially.
My life is boring in a way I didn't have capacity for in the pastā which is to say it is peaceful, and I never knew peace. A weekend of slow puttering, tending, cleaning, baths, chats with besties. It was simple. I felt content.
And as someone who only knew chaos, confusion and choicelessness in the past, this is the miracle.
Meet me where
your darkest depth
bottomed out
and opened to the
lightest iridescence.
Meet me where time
and space converge,
at the confluence of
all opposition.
Meet me hereā¦
(or leave me alone).
An incantation.
š³ļøššš§š»Big love,
Madison
P.S. I currently have two openings for private Somatic Alchemy coaching. If youād like to explore this work together & see what it might be like for you to live from more choice, love & liberation, please book a consultation here.
This is where the tiny miracles stack up and turn into the giant miracle that is our life! Living our life with joy and ease and wonder. This is what working with you has helped me find within myself. I have not had words to describe my experience at the Shala, because I am still metabolizing and integrating. But profound shifts have happened in my life in the last week. And my inner knowing tells me that I am likely to write my FIRST Substack piece in honor of this experience. I canāt wait to see what spills out!