I found myself in a Functional Freeze
5 simple ways to meet yourself & melt freeze.
Earlier this week, I noticed I had slipped into functional freeze.
It began a few weeks ago when I saw pictures of my family on a holiday vacation, who I am estranged from. At first, I felt very little about the photos. But as time went on, I began having dreams with themes of rejection, being outcasted, shamed and abandoned.
Perhaps I should have been prepared to face my feelings head-on, considering I wrote the below poem in early December when I found out about their trip.
Even when we know grief is coming, it doesn’t stop the stressors from stacking and tipping us over the edge. And existential grief (like the LA fires, chronic un-belonging with family of origin, displacement and political unrest) are proven to cause deep psychological and physical stress— the body perceives these as threat and therefore responds accordingly. Because of course they do.
Estrangement during the holidays is like a living death. Our culture isn’t great with loss in general. But a chosen loss? A living mother you can’t be close to? An unsolvable rift in the fabric of your belonging? It’s impossible to explain the relief and grief of estrangement during the holidays. No I didn’t want to go on the all expenses paid family vacation anyway… I would have declined being in those family photos… It isn’t worth the cost to my body to pretend like they so desire me to— even for a day, an hour, a minute. The young mothers fill the silence after my words “I just can’t imagine my child not in my life, I’d do anything to make sure we could stay connected.” “I know,” I say as I comfort their visions of their babies far away from them. “I know.” It’s incomprehensible. Impossibly lonely. And I chose it. I’m better for it. I accept its consequences. This living death, Never more Alive Never more Dead Than in December.
For reference, I’ve been estranged due for 6 years now. Here are a few pieces I’ve written on the topic: Reset the Bones of Your Dignity — Home in Her - a poem about Mother Hunger — To Rose on her Birthday.
The message was clear: the existential grief and hurt wanted to be felt and was using my dream time to speak to me. I needed a good cry and to reconnect to my sense of inherent belonging to let this wave of threat pass me by.
I find functional freeze comes up often for folks around the holidays when they just need to “push through” even though their body says NO— this is especially true with existential and political unrest like we have seen the last couple weeks.
When we slip into a functional freeze, it is for good reason.
Functional freeze is so insidious because you look totally fine to the untrained eye… but you’re actually going through the motions without feeling.
In this state, you may be highly functioning, capable and competent… but you’re frozen— which essentially means there is a lot of trapped energy underneath that you are not feeling.
When functional freeze is *chronic, early and inherited*, (meaning it’s not just a state your body enters when there’s a threat and then completes when the threat leaves) you can go for years… decades or lifetimes even… going through the motions, highly capable, seemingly healthy, happy, & successful without access to deep joy, ease or connection. Irritation or anxiety may accompany it, so we use numbing/coping strategies, which often only add to the shame that so often comes with freeze.
I bring this up now, not only to unshame and normalize freeze, but because so many are experiencing this state given the inauguration this week.
If you feel yourself a little checked out, scrolling too much & toggling between big feels and numbness, it is an appropriate response to threat.
Here are 5 simple ways to meet yourself in freeze.
1- Give yourself time & normalize freeze states!
Freeze must melt, which takes time. Be compassionate and gracious with yourself.
Freeze, like winter, is natural.
2- Add weight, support & pressure
Lean against a chair. Put a sandbag on your pelvis. Lay under a weighted blanket. Let a trusted loved one"squish you."
3- Add heat
Hold a hot tea, take a warm bath, use a hot water bottle on your belly or low back/ kidneys.
4- Move your body
*With intention!!* Training beyond your capacity to feel is not helpful when melting freeze. Start SLOW.
Try organic movements, walking and gentle dance then let your body signal to you when to go faster/ add intensity.
5- Start with "NO!"
In freeze we are automatically overriding our needs.
Beginning with "no" allows your body to feel into autonomy, choice and permission to go at their true pace.
These are among the foundational principles in my year-long program, The Fortress, which opens again in May. :) Get on the waitlist here to get more info.
And if you’re wanting a little more support, here is a reminder, This Freeze Won’t Last Forever.
Sending love, humanity and melting,
Madison
