Lessons Learned
Reflections on turning 32
August 2023 Newsletter—
It’s not like I’ve aged much— I’m only 32 after all. But when I look in the mirror I don’t recognize myself. There’s been a slow shift. The subtle kind you don’t notice until it hits you all at once.
I’m still getting used to the softness behind my eyes; they don’t rush towards danger like they used to.
And the gold underneath my skin. That’s new! The warm layers lined up behind my back. Beneath my feet.
My sister said I was glowing. She’s right.
I’m no longer recognizing myself in the stories that flicker through my mind. They are more like memories these days. Sometimes they search for ways I’m still confused; still the ugly ducking. “Are you my mother?” they say. These stories, like the masks I keep in the closet (just in case) just don’t fit quite right anymore.
I’m not recognizing the searching, successful, striving one. I can’t seem to get the proving, pretending, pretty girl I used to know to sit in place just right.
She won’t.
She can’t.
She doesn’t need to.
Growing, there are secret gardens blooming all around. I wear the key in front of my heart.
This!
This is what it is: I’m still catching up to this reality, learning to recognize myself here. Still updating the stories to match this re-woven tapestry I’m so snugly wrapped up inside these days.
Who am I now? Not sure…
I know colors are bright, magnetic, enveloping. The threads blend the softest organic wool with gold. When I listen, I hear laughter at the table. The grandmother tree dancing nearby.
🌼This is 32. I’m so glad.
This weekend my closest friends came over to celebrate my 32nd birthday. We ate all the summery foods. We pulled tarot cards. Jen made me a lemon curd-prosecco-buttercream layer cake topped with marigolds. (I’m sure it has an official name, but I’m just calling it OH MY GOD YES THANK YOU). It was chill and easy and intimate and perfect. Exactly what I needed.
The theme of the party was “Lessons Learned Era” - no doubt a reflection on how many hard and needed lessons I learned this past year.
I asked everyone to come with their biggest Lesson Learned from the past year in mind. We set up a little station for polaroid photos with washi tape, markers, stickers and had them write their biggest lesson next to their picture. Looking through it the next morning was truly everything.
My 31st year was the year of lessons I didn’t want to learn, but am so glad I did. Lessons about boundaries, trust, hope and love. Lessons about following my heart. Lessons about doing less and opening to more. About being brutally honest with myself, and willingly accepting the consequences of my own knowing.
So here they are, 31 lessons I learned:
Prayer works. Miracles are real. I am worship.
Taking responsibility is for me. Making amends is for me. My forgiveness is for me.
BLOCK is a perfect boundary when needed.
You can’t convince someone of your goodness if they have already decided who you are.
When someone tells you what your intentions are… run.
I have never done any of this alone.
Chosen family IS family.
Death is a natural thing.
Shining brightly is only a liability if you’ve got the wrong people around you.
Follow the energy.
Confusion is a warning sign.
Everyone has a higher self. Few are accessing it.
The most profound moments of change are rarely grand.
You can feel the difference between flattery and appreciation. Trust it.
Unconditional positive regard includes reality as it is, not as I wish it was.
Relating to reality is what a sovereign life looks like.
I am nature. I can’t bloom in the wrong season… but I can wither in the wrong environment.
Most accusations are projections.
How I experience life is a direct reflection of how safe I feel in my body.
Everyone deserves love and kindness— but not necessarily mine.
Understanding it doesn’t justify it.
Call it sooner.
Hope is informed by what’s happening right now.
Yes, it was that bad.
Yes, it is this good.
Get a good handyman.
The money always works out when the choices are a soul-level yes.
Stop trying to explain how you know what you know. Trust it.
Ask folks “what do you mean by that?” more often.
Turn heads! Wear the fit! Make Beyonce proud.
Being the embodiment possibility is a legitimate life purpose.
Bonus (and this one is more of a prayer): Learn where to place your attention.
I’d love to hear what lessons you’ve learned this past year. Comment and let me know.
Goodness is coming. May you be the guardian of it.
-Madison
