Reset the bones of your dignity
what shame does to our soul
Today I come with a content warning: I am telling the truth about my experience with child sexual abuse along with resources and trainings on the topic for anyone who might desire them. While it’s important to me to share my journey towards healing, I also honor that you might not need to read this today.
If it feels like too much, by all means archive this email and protect your peace. I trust you to take care of yourself.
Read on if you, too, want the Truth to alchemize shame & Return To Sender.
Shame is (by far) the emotion I have worked with most intimately over the last decade.
I know its texture all the way to my bones. I know it by the dulled, empty and hardened feeling in my chest; the nagging feeling that something is wrong with me… and everyone knows.
I know it by the longing to be seen, to shine and speak my truth, followed by the humiliation that I’d even want such a thing. I know it by the desire to dance, only to be masked with dulling down and dampening my creative fire.
Curiously enough, shame is the dominant emotion that shows up in my client sessions too. I sense its arrival by the truth spoken through a shrinking, tight voice.
I am not alone.
You are not alone.
Shame is a powerful motivator for behavior change, which is why it’s historically used by all high-control religions, systems of domination and abusers.
It’s unique in that it arises as a result of projection, unlike guilt, which arises internally out of our integrity as we take appropriate responsibility for our actions. Shame comes from the outside looking in and disconnects us from our inherent goodness. I love how Ruby Gibson put it:
“Shame is a filter for someone else’s disgrace. People project shame onto another person or story in order to alleviate responsibility.”
Once I understood that my own shame was not a result of my own being bad, but rather someone else’s disgrace, true healing began.
I began to hand back the stories I internalized as a young person and grab hold of my True Essence.
I began to reject narratives of being broken, wretched and fundamentally unworthy that I’d learned in the Evangelical Church and started to sense God arise from a full and tender heart.
I stopped taking responsibility for the bad behavior of others and began to honor and validate the truth of my experience.
I found that it was in returning the shame to its sender that I was able to start dancing myself free and living from the inside-out.
"Return to sender" is a powerful mantra that replaces the "I'm sorry" of toxic shame by assigning it to the appropriate place.
Try it on.
Write it out and burn it.
Whisper it to God.
Release it to the Earth.
Let the truth of rightful ownership reset the bones of your dignity.
RETURN TO SENDER. MY STORY–
The first time I consciously made an excuse for someone’s bad behavior, I was eight.
“He must have been sleeping. He was sleeping. Pretend to be asleep. Don’t breathe. Don’t move. Don’t mention it. He was sleeping. I was sleeping.”
By thirteen, it was our way of life. “If only you weren’t so beautiful. I know what men think.”
I learned to hide in plain sight. I asked for a purity ring. “I’m sorry” became my mantra. Fear of myself became my way.
At 19, I stood up in front of 2000 people on Easter Sunday. I confessed his sins as mine. He applauded.
For years, putting myself on display through the fire screen, humiliating myself. Undressing my worst qualities in public, tracing the truth with the slightest distortions— “look at all the ways I’ve been wrong. Look at me owning it! Look at me, taking responsibility.”
I’m done with that now.
They praised my authenticity. They gave me money for my performance. He was just so proud of my determination. He made me this way.
“I am my own responsibility” I said. I went on, alone, wearing his shame naturally, like the curly hair he prefers.
But today, I return to sender. I spit his sins out of my mouth. I know the truth. It terrifies him.
This. This is what he was always afraid of. This is why he hung me out to dry. This is why he’d say, “Isn’t she brilliant?!” in one breath and curse me the next. This is why he watched me like a hawk— protected my every move.
Return. To. Sender.
This is not my shame.
This is not my disgust.
This is not my “good girl.”
This is not my karma.
I spit your name out of my mouth.
I will never call you father.*
May my life be a mirror. May you curse yourself when you look towards me. May your projections go down like the most bitter medicine.
My only prayer for you? I hope you see yourself. Return to sender. You can have what is rightfully yours.
*Note: This is not about my biological father, who I love dearly.
Knowing the average age of disclosure is 52 years old, that 1 in 4 girls are abused before 18, that children are often not believed, and that families hide these secrets deep in our tissues– it’s no wonder the amount of shame and fear that arises when talking about these topics.
This is why I wanted to share today– because if 1 in 4 girls were abused as children, that means thousands of you receiving this email list will resonate with this in some way, even if you haven’t told a soul.
If that’s you, I am wrapping you in protection. Believing you with care.
May you return any shame you hold to its rightful place and find yourself in dignity.
Dancing my way into new shapes,
-Madison
RESOURCES FOR SURVIVORS AND ADVOCATES:
My wonderful partner Jen who works in the field of child advocacy generously offered these resources for our community.
In a time where child sexual abuse / sex trafficking is almost being glorified in media, it’s more important than ever to debunk any myths about Child Sexual Abuse and find ways for survivors to tell our stories safely and with support.
Taking trainings by professionals, like the free virtual training, Stewards of Children – which teaches adults how to prevent, recognize, and react responsibly to child sexual abuse, will not only help prevent, but will also enable us to actually advocate for children and protect them where these abuses are most likely to happen.