The Alchemy of Aliveness | Alive Again 4
Your body is an alchemical vessel for transformation.
You are not a problem. And this moment, whatever it contains, is God.
This essay was originally released spring 2023, and as the wheel of life is turning once again, I’m back at the beginning, calling upon the most enlightened one of all: The Fool.
Here’s to our great, collective leap into the unknown.
May we trust. May we laugh. May we dance. May a new way be shown.
XO
-Madison
Alive Again - The Alchemy of Aliveness part 4/5: Your body is an alchemical vessel for transformation.
The brilliance of all this becoming is that your body was made for it. Your body is an alchemical vessel of transformation.
The dictionary definition of alchemy can be defined as a seemingly magical process of transformation, creation, or combination. The work of alchemy is transmutation– meaning the ingredients you put into the pot are transformed completely; it turns it to gold.
In this case, your body is the pot.
Your suffering, grief, shame, fear, anger, regret, overwhelm… these are the unlikely ingredients.
YOU are what is being transformed.
The process of feeling fully, digesting our experience, and learning to hold ourselves with grace is what will allow this alchemy to occur.
That’s right– in proper Fool’s wisdom (backwards wisdom) suffering is grace. It’s the paradox of allowing ourselves to have the whole human experience while trusting we are already free.
And yea, feeling fully is fucking hard.
Our bodies often associate challenging feelings and sensations with stories of our brokenness, painful memories, and old wounds. So to protect ourselves we resist, deny, disassociate, scramble to “fix” ourselves, or spill our “stuff” all over others. (Likely we do all of the above).
For example, the experience of shame or fear in our bodies can feel so overwhelming, and the stories we make it mean are so nasty that we try to numb and fix it. The surge of anger in our bodies may remind us of harm or violence, so we make it mean we are bad and try to suppress it. (But inevitably it leaks out onto our beloveds). Our grief may feel so endless we may feel a looming tidal wave of dread… or perhaps complete apathy. We call this feeling stuck.
Then our mind comes in and judges the experience:
“This shouldn’t be happening to me.
I should be better than this.
No one else suffers like this.
What did I do to deserve this?
I can't get rid of these patterns!
What's wrong with me!?”
Layering the stories on top only amplifies the pain of it all, creating unnecessary suffering.
No, actually nothing is wrong with you.
Even when you’re fawning. Even when you’re doing the same shit you always do. Even when you’re feeling stuck or grieving or feeling lost. Even when you think there is soooo much yet to fix and heal.
“Nervous system dysregulation” is often the result of our bodies not having the resources or capacity to digest an experience or emotion.
This is where so many of us get stuck “self-helping” – we think we have done something wrong when we experience challenging feelings, setbacks, or life-life’s.
Let’s not make having challenging feelings a problem.
Let’s not judge a trauma response.
Let’s stop trying to “fix” all these patterns– it will only strengthen them.
No, actually nothing is wrong with you.
So, if these patterns and feelings aren’t a problem, and we aren’t judging them, and we aren’t trying to fix them… what exactly are we doing here?
We are digesting them. We are using them as fuel for our transformation.
Alchemy is occurring.
You can use anything and everything that happens as fuel for your transformation. You can use even the shittiest of circumstances for your benefit. You can see your suffering as grace.
(Please don’t just accept this if it doesn’t land for you. Pick it up and try it on. Test it! But only if you want to).
Your body was made to digest not only food, but emotion and experiences– even the shitty ones.
Your body knows how to use suffering as grace.
Your body was meant for presence. Your body was meant to be in reality.
And yes, you’re right, sometimes reality is grotesque! Sometimes reality offers shit we don’t like. Sometimes reality breaks our hearts. And that, (while deeply upsetting), doesn’t have to be a problem.
No, actually nothing is wrong with you.
Listen friend, your body was made to digest it. All of it.
Your body is your alchemical vessel of transmutation.
That pang of annoyance– you can digest it.
That sharp feeling of embarrassment– you can digest it.
That fear about finances– you can digest it.
That old wound that snags you over and over again– you can digest it.
The grief– you can digest it.
We digest it by cultivating presence, by opening to reality as it is right now, by relating to what is happening– without judgment.
Being with sensation (pleasant or unpleasant) is aliveness.
None of it is a problem. None of it is harming me.
So there is grief… so what!?
So there is anger… so what!?
So there is overwhelm… so what!?
Is it harming you? Is it truly a problem? What if in this moment, all you had to do was accept it? What if my suffering is not separate from God?
Call me a fool, but I believe all of it is working on my behalf. All of it is grace. All of it is proof I am alive.
I don’t like all of it. I’m not always enjoying it. But nevertheless, it’s happening. So I may as well relate to it.
Experiencing it all (although sometimes a bitch, and often inconvenient) is a normal, vital, healthy part of being human. And when I allow my human experience to not be a problem, I find I can digest it.
And once again I open again to the beauty of being alive.
So my friend, how exactly do you do this? Try these on and see how they fit:
1- Take the backwards wisdom of the fool.
Decide when all seems to be falling apart, and when you’re judging yourself at an all-time high, that there is in fact no problem.
2- Don’t bypass, explain away, analyze, or disassociate.
Stay with the sensation and emotion. It may feel like shit. That’s okay. You may notice you disassociate anyway. That’s okay.
There is in fact no problem. Just come back to sensation when you remember to.
3- Adopt a “so what?” attitude towards your own judgments.
Not to dismiss your feelings (circle back to step 2) but to not layer unnecessary stories and judgments on top of what already sucks.
4- Open, open, open to presence.
So many well-meaning folks on the internet are teaching catharsis as a means of “nervous system regulation.” While shaking it out and screaming might be helpful from time to time, a lot of this is quite reductive, and much too explosive to be integrated. We want to digest the experience, not vomit it everywhere! If this works for you, great! If you find it hasn’t, try this:
Simply open to presence. Track the charge of the feeling.
Shame in your heart? Grief in your gut? Anxiety behind your eyes? Amazing. It’s not necessarily a problem that needs to be exorcized. You’re not a demon!! Welcome it, relate to it, thank it. You may find there is nothing to “do” about it but notice. From this place, the right next action (be it screaming, dancing, crying or even laughing) will reveal itself.
5- Stay soft. Soften your gaze. Soften your judgments. Soften your mind. Soften your heart.
Notice the beautiful things around you. Notice how you’re actually safe with the sensation. Notice how there’s nothing to “do” but notice and stay soft. You are safe with you.
Bonus: find the place inside you where there isn’t a problem. Find the place inside where you are already free.
Your body is an alchemical vessel for transformation.
I want to leave you with my current favorite poem:
Have you tried to let go?
You cannot. No-one has ever succeeded in letting go.
Letting go is not for you.
Letting go is the end of someone trying to let go; so do not try to let go.
It will strengthen the whole game.
Don't try to not think; it will strengthen the thinking.
Don't try to transcend your patterns; it will strengthen the patterns.
The biggest pattern of all patterns is trying to get rid of patterns.
What should I do then?
Nothing.
Simply be available for this moment to kiss you.
When your partner comes home, you are available for him to kiss you.
Maybe he will, maybe he won't, but you are available.
Then the kiss is really sweet because it is free of 'me'.
Let whatever is here now kiss you.
Just receive life without doing.
Just receive what is given.
We are so busy living life,
we have largely forgotten what it is to simply receive life and let life live us;
to be unconditionally available for this moment
to have us and to recognize that every moment is the beloved,
whatever it contains.
This moment is it. In this moment, the beloved kisses you.
This moment is God.
- Tathagata from the book Given (by: Dearest Florian Schlosser - may he rest in peace)
You are not a problem. And this moment, whatever it contains, is God.
Madison
❤️🔥🕊️🌈
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THE FORTRESS—
This orientation to life & this kind of healing is what I facilitate on inside The Fortress— my year-long membership program for alchemizing shame and living your liberation. Registration is closed until May, but you can hop on the waitlist right here.
PRIVATE COACHING—
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